The Pit of Despair

I’m having a bad day. I tried to get up early but the first email I read was about how my grandmother would not last much longer and that the children should show up asap. This on top of it being the 1st of the month and all the bills are due. The weight of reality is pressing down on me and I’m starting to freak out finally.

I’m doing my best, I swear. I’m applying for jobs even ones that are far too easy for me. All I get is total silence or a nice not saying I’m over qualified. It’s at the point where job hunting only takes an hour out of my week because there are simply no jobs to apply too. How am I to feel good about this?

The bills, the bills, the bills. Their coming and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve been taking care of my mom’s cell phone too, and for some unknown reason to me, she raked up and extra $100 in charges. I don’t have that money and I know she doesn’t either. It’s like there was a rope around my neck and I’m starting to feel how tight it is. No one wants to rent my place for as much as I’m asking either. I’m going to have to go much lower if I want to avoid foreclosure.

I had a plan of what to do when the bottom was in sight, I just kept thinking something will come up, I don’t have to go to such extremes. But now the bottom is starting to be I sight and I haven’t moved forward as much as I need.

Then I read about the Wall Street bonus and I want to cry. These same companies had hired me for projects this year and then cancelled them due to lack of funds. Now these same fuckers are getting million-dollar bonus while my project only would have cost 250k and kept 5 people employed this year. 5 people! I want to raise an army against this, take it to the streets and cause a riot. In the pit of my depression and lack of self-esteem, this is my one burning feeling above numb.

If I can’t find anyone to move in here by the end of the month I’m going to clean it up as much as possible, sell what I can and hit the road. What else can I do?